I’ve always been one who has bent over backwards to support other people. Perhaps it’s the way I was raised, perhaps it’s natural bend of my personality. At any rate, I try my best to be there for the people in my life, especially when they are doing the good work to start a movement or push an original idea.
The predicament I find myself in is that the support is not reciprocated in a good number of cases. To be clear, to me reciprocity isn’t blind support nor is it being at/there for every single thing I’m doing. Reciprocity is the assurance that the seeds I sow into the lives of my family and friends will be received back in those times of need…in those times where it really matters.
And to be honest, once one has set an interpersonal tone or pattern, it can be really hard to change gears. For years, some of the people I can depend on for reciprocity have lovingly advised me to look at the way I operate and make some necessary amendments. I have nodded, said the “yeah I knows”, and have continued to pour out myself to help others and support others in their journeys, whatever those journeys have looked like. And generally, it really hasn’t bothered me all that much…but there is something about approaching 30 that has things clicking.
“You need to get you a ‘no’ in your spirit!” – My First Lady Mama
A few weeks I was sitting in solitude thinking, which I tend to do a lot. I’ve been looking at this year as such a big year and had begun this year working toward some nice plans to get some of the things in my heart out in a tangible form. But as I sat in thought, I realized that I haven’t made much progress in any of those things. I realized that by the time I got through doing the things that I’m supposed to do, and then by the time I get finished helping/supporting others, I’m depleted. Completely depleted.
So I’m just now getting to the point where I’m doing something about it. I may be a little late to the party but I’m here, dammit. As wonderful and great as we think it sounds to be there for any and everybody at any and all times, the wonderment and greatness won’t last long – you’ll have nothing else to give. There are a million reasons I can give for not making the necessary adjustments, but none of those compare to the feeling I now have about it. That feeling is: What I give out, I am worthy to receive. I am making it my mantra and adjusting my life accordingly – fears, tears, and all. There doesn’t even have to be a lot of fanfare; it’s simply knowing how to allocate my energies and time and pouring inward predominantly in order to pour outward. That’s what I’d like to think of reciprocity within self.
So far I’ve done a photo shoot, I wrote on here for the first time in over a month, and I have commenced a major project that I’m hoping to release by year’s end. I have started to dream again in real life and action.
I am thankful for my parents and the few friends and online community who have attempted to help me clarify this concept within myself. The satisfaction of this “it’s finally clicking” moment has pushed me more than I can say.
On the next blog, I will discuss how this idea has extended to my relationship with God. I hope you’ll join me.