Options, Part I

There have been times when I’ve willingly chosen bondage over freedom.  Sometimes I was too blinded to see situations for what they were but sometimes I stayed stuck because there was a level of comfort that I had found in these confounded places.  I grew attached to my pain, addicted to my present, and unmotivated to move on.  Ideally speaking, I knew I deserved and should strive for better – I didn’t need that just good enough relationship, that degree I really didn’t want, that job that grossly utilized my skills and abilities.  But somewhere along the way, I became comfortable in the ordinary, comfortable in convincing myself that I had to hold on for dear life to people and things because they couldn’t be replaced.

I allowed myself to give in to the crippling fear of being without – without love, without companionship, without credentials, without education, without something to convince myself that I’m important and wanted.  I stayed in situations and circumstances too long because i knew those feelings of instability that swift changes and the unknown could bring; and after those periods of being to and fro, I’d cling to the stability I could find.

At this point in my life, I’m not ashamed to say that I generally have walked through most open doors, not taking the time to discern what’s truly best and what’s just an opportunity.

Life will present us with situations, places, and even people but that doesn’t mean those things are meant to be permanent fixtures in our lives.  Sometimes, just the fact that things are presented in front of us is enough to convince us to incorporate them into our lives.  I often have to pause because in my haste to always get somewhere better, I’m tempted to go through every open door.  But some doors lead to closets while some doors lead to rooms with endless possibilities.  I’ve learned that my discernment is better when I’m not in a hurried and self-induced state of desperation…

To be continued.

xo Ash


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