Sometimes…

…it still hurts to be reminded of how things have changed. And for all the beauty that’s come from the ashes, the precursor to the ashes still sends pleasant signals to my brain. I don’t want it to but sometimes it just does.

sometimes

Sometimes I still wonder what life would be like had I done things differently, had I not taken certain roads, or if I had been brave enough to travel certain paths.

Sometimes even through the gained strength from all the weight of this and the weight of that, I still fight to know that i am indeed strong. I struggle with the strength I hoped to never have in the face of heartbreak and disappointments none of the Disney movies and Dr. Seuss books ever prepared me for.

Sometimes I struggle with the depth of my own passion and to rest in the discomfort of fighting to have my own voice and my own thoughts. Sometimes having people tell me what my voice and passion should be personally suffices because I have learned to desire emotional stagnancy. Sometimes the brewing internal storms of clash of what I’ve been taught and what I have come to believe leave me too exasperated to do anything. Sometimes I just sit in the silence and rest in the allure of the stillness.

Sometimes I overthink. Sometimes I can’t stop the thoughts. But I’d rather be thinking than not. Lately I’ve been trying to limit how much I run things over in my head but sometimes, I am simply not successful with this feat.

Sometimes I wonder why my capacity to love is so full and sometimes I wonder why that even makes me ashamed. Sometimes I wish hurt wasn’t the driving force behind the shame; and sometimes, through tear-stained eyes, I can see why the hurt was necessary. That never lasts as long as it should though…sometimes.

Sometimes I think of him and I still smile. Sometimes I think of the former us and I can literally feel my chest tighten. Sometimes I replay the convos and feelings…and I’m at peace with how things are. Often times I still pray for him and always wish him well. Most times I know the prayers and well wishes must now stay between me and the Creator of us both.

Sometimes change messes up my equilibrium and new beginnings are slow and steady for the win. Sometimes I wish I could just jump right in. But as this year has taught me, the timing of the seasons in my life are as unique as I am. One season may linger longer than I anticipate but a new equinox is always on the horizon.

Sometimes I find it hard to break free from nouns that have proven to not be beneficial for me or to me. Sometimes the familiarity of personal strongholds has a stronger appeal than the hope of personal freedom. Most times i don’t want that to be the case.

Sometimes the future scares me. Whether I have an abundance of options or feel like I have none at all, sometimes the possibilities leave me paralyzed in awe. Sometimes my daydreams are more vivid than real life but more times than not, I’m inspired enough to create a reality greater than them.

Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit for where I’ve been and what I’ve been able to achieve. Sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. More times than that, God sends those personal road markers to remind me that this is my lane and I am racing or competing with no one.

Sometimes I’m preoccupied with the unknowns. Sometimes I have mini panic attacks because I’m a control freak. But on a few occasions, I am able to take comfort in the fact that all my unknowns are knowns in the sight of the Almighty and that He, indeed, holds my world in His hands.

Sometimes I still am a little insecure. Sometimes I am tempted to base my self worth in who’s with me, who supports me, and who thinks I’m important. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I have to search hard for the beauty (sometimes rubbing my eyes with a small prayer does the trick…). Often times I go back and read old journals and old notes to see from whence I’ve come. Most times my heart is filled with gratefulness for a God who has lovingly waited for me and has constantly molded me into the person I am today…and who is still beckoning me into the destiny of the person He knows I am to become. And on days like today, I look in the mirror and am the first smile I see in the morning (…and I like it). Sometimes that’s the only thing to keep me going.

Sometimes the cure for writer’s block is emptying the contents of one’s heart to the Maker of the heart and then feeling free to be transparent about it.

I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve but today I had to make it a full accessory to my webpage. Thanks for reading.

xo,
Ash!

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