I woke up Sunday morning at 7:30 feeling fine. Within 5 hours, I was curled up on a pew in the balcony of MBC humbly munching on saltines and lightly sipping ginger ale, listening to my Dad preach and silently hoping that my stomach would just…go somewhere. I couldn’t confirm it at the time but my body was fighting off a virus, a valiant yet unsuccessful fight as I was confined to my bed for the next 60 hours.
By Tuesday evening I felt like I was brave enough to attempt to go to work the next morning. I was moving a little bit more (besides those mad dashes to the bathroom) and I was starting to have an appetite again. So I set my alarm clock for 6 and prepared my mind to head to work the next day. The alarm went off at 6, I was moving slow but I was moving and i felt alright. I showered but after that, every morsel of strength I had was zapped. I was out of it but I managed to get dressed. My mother asked me three times if I was OK going to work and driving myself. Yes…of course. I grabbed some saltines, some chicken noodle soup, and I was out the door.
I’m really glad that God watches out for babes and fools, I being the latter. I went to work and tried to thug it out but umm no. I looked like how I was feeling and I had no energy. I had to leave work early. I got home, medicated myself, and jumped in the bed. I decided to try again this morning. I felt a little better, a little stronger, and I’m sure I’ll last a little longer.
Now what does this have to do with closure? I’m not even sure but go along with me.
Much like this loathed virus, many things in our lives come unexpectedly. We aren’t prepared for them, we’d rather not be prepared for them, or we think we’re strong enough or good enough to not be faced with them. Situations happen and things change and it kinda throws us off for days, weeks, months, and unfortunately sometimes even years. There is a process that we go through to get to “better” but no one can exactly tell us one prescribed way to get past the ugliness of the situation. When I was sick, I heard so many different things – take NyQuil, plenty of fluids, soup, saltines, ginger ale, Motrin, etc. Everyone had an answer but no one could go through the ugliness of it with me. Even my parents quarantined me (in quite a hilarious fashion, might I add…my Dad is so full of drama when trying to stay away from sick folks). Once I had been down and had processed through the sickness, there had to come a point where I wanted to get up and try to move past where I was and I couldn’t wait for my body to give me all the signs I needed to do so.
I always thought about closure in terms of this big coming together and meeting of the minds. I thought that closure would always look nice and feel good and be akin to a movie with the melodramatic feel and music that accompanies the mood. OK…maybe I’m being extra…but I’m not lying about how I had idealized closure. I had been waiting for closure for certain areas in my life, thinking that all the circumstances had to be right and that I’d be able to sit and say my peace and release whatever it was and hear music in the background and literally feel weights lifted. But no.
Closure seems to be a lot more like getting over a virus. Once you get to a point where you’re tired of being confined by your condition, you make moves to get to a better place. My energy levels are still low and I must confess that I’m still not my greatest but I’m up and moving. I tried yesterday and I didn’t make it through the whole work day. That’s fine because I tried. And sometimes closure even looks like that – a multilayered process of trying and failing and then trying again. You won’t always feel like you’re strong enough to close out certain chapters and sometimes your feelings will get the best of you. But try again. Closure, as you had hoped or imagined, may never come. However you hold the key to closure and moving on. Just do it. The strength is not in what you think you’re strong enough to do, it’s what in you actually do.
“He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power.” (Isaiah 40:29 NASB)