I have always been a person who liked to air on the side of caution. I like to understand and to be understood. So rarely do I give or send (via text) one word answers, as I find them to be utterly annoying and useless in most cases. To me, if I am taking the time to express myself or how I feel (which it is hard enough for me to do anyway), I feel like I should receive a response that at least tries to match what I’m giving. I mean…what is more annoying than you taking the time out to type a nice, decent-length text saying some nice sentiments to only get “Thanks.” or “Ok.” in return? I hate it.
So I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that I feel the same way when it comes to God. I get myself to the point where I’m being vulnerable and being honest (because that’s what they tell me He wants) and you know what He says to me? Endure.
Endure? The questions I am asking do not seem to have a direct correlation to His answer. I am asking Him for guidance on whether to go this way or that way and He responds with “endure.” And I can’t lie – I have been mildly upset about it. I have been trying to find ways around this one word answer by looking for signs, hoping that He’s hiding the answers in something I’ll see or hear. I have talked to several people and I feel just as confused and frustrated as I did when I got started. I’ve cried to Him, begging for clarity because I am so afraid to make the wrong move and yet His answer is unchanged — ENDURE.
After being in this relationship with the Lord for years now you would think that I would know that He is up to something behind the scenes and that His seeming lack of guidance is not that at all. You would think that by now I would be able to trust and know that when it is time, He will reveal clearly what I am to see and know. You would think that I would know that I can trust Him, even in His loving silence. But I’m a panicky person and every little thing can throw me off. So in these times of one word answers, I get this overwhelming feeling to know the why’s, what’s, who’s,when’s, where’s, how’s for the sake of “being prepared.” God knows me and He knows that my desire for “being prepared” is less about preparedness and more about me feeling like I’m in control of what’s happening around me.
But I’m not in control. And just as I’ve found out that I can’t control those one word answers from people, I can’t control those one word answers from God either. So at the end of it, all that there really is left to do is to endure. Endure because my Creator is in control and will not lead me astray. Endure because He is omniscient and is therefore aware of what I need to know and when I need to know it. Endure because He knows that this waiting will not kill me, only stretch and mold me into a better me.
What I do know is that God’s answer is more like “Endure…” Those three dots make a difference. Known as ellipsis, those dots can represent an unfinished thought and can be used to build feelings of tension or longing. I should know; I probably overuse ellipses in my informal writing. I know that God is not finished speaking, even if all He gives right now is a one word answer. So though I am working through [moments of immense] frustration, I can be thankful for the word given instead of being sour over the words withheld. If the Lord is telling me to hold on, He is obviously aware that endurance is the only way I’ll get the answers I need. So I’ll keep waiting – still la vie en jaune. Prayers are very much appreciated.