Being OK…

I knew the look. It was that slightly inquisitive, slightly condescending, slight smirk I had now accustomed myself to seeing when I told people what I wanted to do with my life.  I winced every time i heard the obvious “weeeell you can’t tell me how to be married if you aren’t married!”  I had started to refine my answer with more of an emphasis on the “family” part rather than the “marriage” part because I didn’t want people to perceive me as cocky enough to give direction to a married couple without having been married.  I worried myself to death because I  am getting closer and closer to the finish line of my
program without marriage in sight.  How am I going to do what I’m passionate about without having some personal experience?

The opinions of others have always caught my ear.  I always needed three people to validate how I was feeling, two people to cosign, one person to research whether I was right.  If people I considered wise suggested that I do something or try something, I usually did so with little hesitation.  So I had no problem with people expressing how
they felt, my problem was how I was going to address what they expressed.  I couldn’t force myself to marry someone or someone to marry me.  I couldn’t just make things be the way I thought they should be (though don’t think for even a moment that I didn’t try!).  I was making it in off broken pieces.

I want to do marriage and family therapy.  It’s what I feel passionate about.  But this road to my passion was tearing me up.  I was feeling the pressure to be further…feeling the pressure to be “normal”…feeling the pressure to have things happen for me the way things happen for “them”.  

I finally collapsed onto my bed physically and emotionally tired from all the worrying I had been doing.  I just wanted to be assured that if I didn’t do things a certain way or get married as fast as my parents or my brother or decided that I was ready to live life with me in mind that things wouldn’t fall apart…and people wouldn’t think something was wrong with me.  And i wouldn’t think something was wrong with me.

I know it sounds so simple and even silly but I was bound for so long by what I felt everyone expected of me, too afraid to speak up for myself and too afraid to hold my own against dissenting voices.  I would spend hours mulling over what my next move would be and then an equal amount of time trying to figure out who would like it and who wouldn’t.  But THIS wasn’t about some shoes or a hair style…this was about my passion and what I felt I had to offer.  And I had become so despondent about it that it bred desperation. And desperation had bred contempt for the process.

But just because I’m in emergency mode doesn’t mean God has to move faster. And just because I’m in emergency mode doesn’t mean God isn’t faithful to complete in
me all that He’s put in me to be developed.  Me being in emergency mode just means that I’m freaking out, per usual, and forgetting that God knows exactly what I need, when I need it, how I need it, and in which way it should come.

So long story short, I just wanted to encourage someone to be OK with
you and what God had placed inside of you.  I wish i could tell you this from a pristine place of perfection but i’m delivering this message on a wing and a prayer. The process to maturation is long and hard but it’s not over.  

I’m still a work in progress.  I’m still learning to give myself room to be myself and be patient with all that “myself” is, wants, and needs.  I am still 26 and still single and I still feel passionate about helping marriages and families stay together.  But I’m learning that I can be OK with that and the fact that none of that defines my worth nor does it speak to what I contribute.  And you should know that too.

Just where I am today.  There with be furthering developments to this story…

4 thoughts on “Being OK…

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